Moment #2

I was driving home from Boulder when I did something REALLY stupid.

As I was approaching Poplar Springs I could see there was road construction coming up and I was going to have to stop. Instead of slowing down as I approached the construction I sped up in order to pass two cars before I had to stop.

What was I thinking? In the moment all I was thinking was I HAD to get in front of those two cars.

I stopped in the line of traffic and thinking I was going to be there for a while got out to get my book out of the back seat. While I was doing that a construction vehicle pulled up on my right and stopped next to my car, which I thought was weird and when I got back into my seat I found out the reason.

The guy driving asked me if I was the one who had just passed those cars. I said I was.

He quietly said, “I have a friend who died on the job because of someone like you, that was really stupid.”

I was so embarrassed and chastened and all I could do was apologize.

He shook his head in disgust and drove off.

The old me would have spent the next ten minutes coming up with every reason why that guy was an asshole for calling me out while at the same time hating every part of myself for being such a loser. (It’s a complicated dance, one I am very good at.)

I would have spent that ten minutes and the next three hours of the drive looking everywhere but myself so I wouldn’t have to own what I had done.

I would have blamed all the other drivers on the road for my behavior, which, let’s be honest, is insane.

I didn’t do any of these things… well maybe for a few seconds but I caught myself and then the new me sat quietly and really thought about what I had done and why.

Whenever I am traveling in my car I have this need to get to my destination in record speed. That means passing anyone who gets in the way of me making good time.

What did I need to get home so fast for that it was worth doing something so stupid? Nothing.

Was that guy an asshole for calling me out? Not at all, he lost a friend because of someone like me.

Was I a loser for being so stupid? Nope, it was a moment where I made a really bad decision that fortunately ended without anyone being hurt.

I realized that for the three hours I had been on the road I had been operating with this attitude that everyone else out there was trying to keep my from making it home in the time I wanted to be home.

In my mind I was a victim to all these other drivers who should not have been out there getting in my way.

I realized it was something I did every time I was on the road.

I also realized that it made these trips unnecessarily stressful.

At this point the old me would have spent the next three hours berating myself and beating myself up for being such an idiot…. which I did for a few seconds and then….

The new me took the opportunity to become an observer of my behavior. I didn’t necessarily try to change my behavior. Instead I tried to catch my thoughts every time I came upon a car.

What was I thinking as I drew up behind them?

I was thinking that they were out there just to get in my way…. which is a laughable thought I never realized I was having.

I had been operating as if I was the only one who had the right to be on the road and everyone else needed to stay out of my way…. for decades. CRAZY.

Default mode setting:

Circumstance: Driving home from Boulder
Thought: I have to get home by a certain arbitrary time.
Feeling: Urgency
Action: Drive like a bat out of hell.
Result: Get told off by a highway construction worker, avoid killing anyone by pure chance.

Managed mind setting:

Circumstance: Driving home from Boulder
Thought: I am going to enjoy the drive.
Feeling: Serenity
Action: Drive and enjoy the journey.
Result: See beautiful things and arrive home feeling recharged.

This was a really good lesson for me.

I knew I always drove like a maniac on road trips but I had never examined why that might be.

This has also given me something other than driving like a maniac to focus on the next time I take a road trip.