Moment #5

I am tired.

Yesterday I went for a hike with my dogs and then went paddle boarding and then had dinner with friends. It was a good, fun day and today I am tired.

Today, I have the day off so I could rest…. in theory. But, I am not resting.
I have ridden my bike to the library in the heat of the day to return some books and write this post.

Growing up my mother was always “busy” doing something and she did not like to find me doing nothing. When she did she would always find something for me to do other than nothing.
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I know this is why I feel like I can not just lie on the grass and look at the sky while my foster puppy chews sticks next to me. Someone might come along, catch me doing nothing and find something for me to do that I don’t want to do.

So, why am I here at the library?
​Let's go through the Thought Model...

Unmanaged Mind:
​Circumstance: I have the day off.
Thought: I have to get shit done today even though I just want to rest.
Feeling: Tired.
Action: Go to the library to write this post.
Result: Stare at the screen for 30 minutes before heading home… still tired.

Managed Mind:
Circumstance: I have the day off.
Thought: I want to rest.
Feeling: Tired.
Action: Lay under a tree and rest.
Result: Feel rejuvenated.

I really like how the Managed Mind worked out. 

This is a classic example of how circumstances in my childhood became a default setting in my brain causing me to act a certain way without any consciousness. The idea that I could spend an entire day lying under a tree resting is so very foreign to me. It is something other people get to do, not me.
However, I am a grown-ass woman.
I can do whatever I want.

If I want to lie under a tree all day, resting, I can. Any thoughts I have about that are my responsibility and mine alone.